Posted by: Marisa | September 30, 2014

My Kids Are Lunatics

Can we time out for a second to discuss the fact that my children seem to thrive on creating chaos in our lives by doing things that shock the people around us? Scaling their cribs at 18 months, hurdling baby gates ten seconds later, rearranging the furniture in their room every morning…you know, things that make our friends stop in their tracks to question how our kids thought to do such ridiculousness in the first place.

When the kids were just transitioning out of their cribs they’d wake up, tear the toddler proof door handle off the inside of their bedroom door, open said ‘child proof door’, scale the baby gate in the doorway, and come barreling into our bedrooms screaming like a few bats out of hell.

That was right around 5:15 am every day. And you can bet your bottom that I spent my days complaining about the injustice of our 5:15 am wake up call.

Then one day I woke up at 6:15, rolled over to the hubs, said, “The boys slept in!”, and began my internal gloating about the extra hour of amazingness. All of that internal partying apparently pissed off some nasty old karmic beast who, after seeing my smugness, laughed so hard that he tinkled his pants and set off to show me the err of my ways.

I heard the pitter patter of feet as Liam ran up to our bed and said, “Dad, look what we got for you!”

Knowing that it wasn’t going to be something I wanted to see, I said a few silent cuss words as I opened my eyes and saw that the boys had gone into the pantry and had opened every juice box we owned. And, in case you’re wondering, by the time the straws hit their little mouths there was very little juice left in those boxes.

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Thinking it was a one-time deal we moved on with our lives.

Until the next morning when, again, Liam came running into our room. “Mom, come here! Come here! We made you something”.

More cuss words as I rolled out of bed and found that they had dumped a five pound bag of beans and the rest of my flax seed all over the kitchen and sun room.

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The interesting thing about 5 pounds of beans is that they make a ridiculously loud noise when being sucked up into a brand new vacuum which, as it turns out, is quite therapeutic.

That afternoon we bought locks for the pantry and the fridge. Problem solved.

Until we accidentally left a box of cookies on the counter top, had the audacity to store a box of pasta in the second pantry (the one with a child proof door handle but no padlock), leave broccoli in our kitchen, and, God forbid, let pizza dough rise on the counter. When we were careless enough to do any of those things the boys would jump at the opportunity to snatch their loot and eat it at their discretion in any one of many random spots in our house.

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The day I woke up and realized we’d forgotten to lock the freezer was the day I lost my shit for real though. Unfortunately for you, there aren’t any pictures of that doozie because I was so mad I couldn’t see straight enough capture any.

The boys had opened the freezer door and pulled out a frozen banana, a container of frozen coconut milk, a can filled with leftover bacon lard, a container of pureed red pepper, and an ice pack. By the time I caught them they were throwing the blocks of melting goo around the sun room having a gay old time. I Was Pissed.

There was a lot of yelling that day. By a lot I mean A LOT. And the boys spent so much time in time-out that I started to wonder about child restraint laws. Which I was fine with because it put an end to the food stealing phase. There was that one morning where I left my purse within reach and Jack found my lip stain, broke it open, and drew all over our white carpet but that’s not really food now is it?

Regardless, we’ve been on a food stealing lull and we’ve gotten a little lax about locking the pantry, fridge, and cabinets before we go to bed. And what happens when you take your eye off the ball?

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You wake up to your kids elbow deep in marshmallow fluff…in their effing beds.

The Moral of the story: My kids are lunatics.

 

Posted by: Marisa | September 18, 2014

Do You Want To Build a Snowman?!

On any given day Jack will have graced the time-out corner with his presence by eight am.

Liam, on the other hand, doesn’t even know where the time-out corner is. However, one night at dinner he was sassin’ back so I put him in time-out in the next room over. The hubs and Jack were in the bathroom for Jacks nightly “I know we just sat down but I have to pee for the next thirty minutes” run so I was enjoying a cold dinner by myself when a sobbing Liam sang out, “Hey Mama, Do you want to build a snowman?!”

Of course this made me laugh. I was 87% successful at not singing back to him as he continued making up random words and versus as he went. “I would like to build a snowman and I will put him on the walls. Mama come and build a snow man!”

At this point I’m congratulating myself for raising kids who love singing at the top of their lungs. He ended with a, “Thank you Syracuuuuuuuse!” which is, of course, how we end all of our concerts* and I walked over to get him.

By now I was bursting with Broadway pride for my singing sensation and couldn’t wait for our post time-out snuggle but that was short lived because what I saw as I got closer to him was…

WP Liam writing on wall

…that he had literally been drawing a snowman on the wall.

 

 

* You can use your imagination and enter the location they actually shout out since most of you know we don’t live anywhere near Syracuse.

Posted by: Marisa | September 8, 2014

Happiest Kid of The Week

I’m not trying to brag or anything but look who won Happiest Kid of the Week the first week of preschool? Boom.

We’ve been calling him our Little Clam because he’s most definitely the class ham. The other day I went to pick him up and as he stood up he started running around the room giving everyone their hugs and high-fives. The older kids that show up for the after school program were hugging him and asking him if he remembered their names. Not sure where he got his awesome personality but it landed him quite the trophy.

WP Jack's big win

Liam wasn’t so lucky in the award department this week but I have a feeling that when he makes it through his first day tear-free he’ll earn himself a sticker or two.

 

Posted by: Marisa | September 3, 2014

Last Minute Surprise

Spontaneity has never particularly bothered me. In fact, I typically err on the side of being too spontaneous. For example:

One time I quit my job and, because I had nothing better to do, hitched a ride to Disney World for an impromptu vacation with my biking friends and their families.

Another time I agreed to participate in a bike ride at the last minute without bothering to look up the race details. Turns out it was “One Hill of a 100 Mile Ride” after all.

Another time I was driving to Nashville with my friends and decided that instead of watching the Country Music Marathon from the sidelines I’d run it.

Last week we pulled the boys out of their current daycare situation for safety reasons and decided, twelve hours before school started for the year, that our kids needed to be enrolled in preschool. Yup, on Monday (a holiday) we reached out to a preschool that we toured a few months ago, found out they had two spots for the boys, and started scrambling to get things ready for school.

As much as I typically like spontaneity this last one was a doozie that I could have lived without. After a day of running around like chickens with our heads cut off to get applications completed, checks written, school supplies purchased, vaccination forms signed, clothes picked out and ironed, kids bathed, a second check written to cover what we missed the first time, and a second trip to the store to get the right backpacks the boys were finally asleep and we were ready to send them off for their first day of school!

The problem with being so last minute is that we didn’t have the answers to really basic questions. We had no idea what class the kids were gong to be in, who their teacher was going to be, what their schedule was going to be, how many other kids were going to be in their class, if we were supposed to pack blankets for nap time, if they boys were able to bring in one of their toys from home, what door we were supposed to use to drop the kids off and pick them up, or if we needed to feed them breakfast or if they ate breakfast at school.

As the hubs and I were flopping, exhausted, into bed we were feeling uncomfortable about not knowing whether we were supposed to feed the kids before school. It’s bad enough we’re the parents who wait until the last second. No need to be the parents who starve their kids too. I grabbed the computer and realized, as I scanned the schools website, that for some totally asinine reason the first day of school was ‘cookie exchange day’. #Worstideaever. Seriously, I said a few choice curse words and contemplated bringing in boxed cookies but had all kinds of emotional mommy drama over giving my kids boxed cookies as I abandoned them at all day preschool.

9:45 pm: Back out of bed, recipe selected, cookie dough started, no baking powder, trip to the grocery store, cookie recipe supposed to chill for an hour, ain’t no body got time for that, warm dough baked, cooled, a few raw-ish cookies thrown in garbage, remainder packaged. Back to bed. Sleep.

The next day, this happened:

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Posted by: Marisa | July 15, 2014

Liam, What Are You Doing?

“Cleaning the mud”

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Posted by: Marisa | July 8, 2014

We Lose Our Children…A Lot

Do other people lose their children as often as we lose ours? Because I feel like at least once a week I’m running around the house playing where the hell are you?! with my kids.

It happens so often that I now have a routine I fall back on. First order of business – make sure they aren’t swimmin’ in the pond. Second – make sure they haven’t run into the street. Third – basement. Don’t want those buggers playing with the power tools. Finally I do a full sweep of the house. The whole time I’m alternating between shouting the missing kid’s name and bribing number two… “Go find your brother! I’ll give you a treat”.

There’s a lot of running involved and a lot of shouting. Because when one of my kids goes missing it either means that we need an ambulance or that something I worked really hard to own is about to be broken.

A few weeks ago the hubs and I were running through the standard we lost one checklist when we decided to divide and conquer. I took the downstairs and came up empty. After a full sweep of the house we still hadn’t found Liam so we swapped floors and the hubs went downstairs. He heard some crinkling coming from behind the couch that I must have missed and came face to face with this…

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Posted by: Marisa | June 4, 2014

I NEED My Cat!!

Nap time today = total disaster.

Liam is screaming his freaking lungs raw. He’s fixated on his cat.

CatHe WANTS!!! this cat with an obsession that makes it apparent – being the cool mom and letting them play an extra hour past nap time is a decision that will end up coming back to bite me over and over this afternoon.

I start cursing the cat and doing my best to make the other 37 stuffed animals taking up real estate in Liam’s bed look way more fun than that dumb old cat.  It doesn’t work. Liam mutters something through sobs and tears that I can’t understand.

I can, however, understand Jack. He’s shouting, “Mama, he wants his cat!”

I leave the room, wide eyed and unsure of what the hell I’m supposed to do in this situation. I know you want your cat and, believe me, there is nothing I want more than for you to have your cat right now so you’ll stop crying and start sleeping. But I can’t find the effing cat. Anywhere. It’s not in the toy bins, on the beds, in the kitchen cabinets, or in the van.

So I quickly look through the house for a parting gift that I can offer the kid that might fool him into calming down. I go into their bedroom with a stuffed rabbit, feeling almost guilty for the rabbit I’m about to offer up as a sacrificial lamb.  It doesn’t work.

HE WANTS HIS CAT!!!

“Geez. I get it!” I yell at Liam. I want to pick the kid up by the armpits and GGAAAH!

As I’m walking out of the room Jack, who is having a grand old time watching this shit hit the fan, taunts, “Hey Neum, I’ve got your cat in my bed!” at which point Liam screams, “No you don’t it’s in thheee vvvaaannn!!!

Hate to break it to you kid, but it’s not in the van. That being said, the van sure is sounding quiet right about now. I tell Liam I’ll go check the van one more time. I’m pretty good at keeping my promises so I grab my shoes, my phone, a beverage, and the van keys and take a nice long field trip to the passengers seat.

A few bits later the boys were finally sleeping.

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Well, Liam was sleeping. Jack…not so much.

Cat Jack

 

Posted by: Marisa | May 16, 2014

Photo Friday: Dino Chair

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Which is okay because Jack would rather have the spotlight to himself. Check out this little ham.

 

 

 

Posted by: Marisa | April 30, 2014

Etch-a-Sketch A What?

 

The boys are quite the little explorers these days and together they’re learning about life and the world around them. We watch as they experience something, become curious, and look to each other to gain greater understanding. The ironic part is that when one kid turns to the other for answers or advice what they’re actually getting is feedback from someone who has absolutely nothing logical to contribute. But he doesn’t know what he doesn’t know so he presents a solution based on whatever it is he thinks makes sense.

We’re having more and more opportunities to eavesdrop into their completely illogical two year old conversations and it’s awesome.

The Dragon and the Potato Chip

Last week Liam came frantically running into the sun room shouting something that I couldn’t make out. Jack jumped up and focused on the doorway Liam had just come running through. Liam shouted, “The dragon is coming! We must hide!”

Jack responded, “Yah, throw potato chips!”

Liam, out of breath and spinning in circles, yelled “Push the baby giant into the puddle and tell his mama to go get him! Now Hiiidddeeee!”

Both boys then ran to the protection of the couch cushions where they hid for approximately six seconds before they realized their blocks were on the floor waiting to be played with.

Boogers

Liam got himself worked into a tizzy last week. A tizzy, for those of you who can’t picture it, is a mini temper tantrum that happens while running full speed ahead. So Liam’s in a tizzy and comes barreling down the hall.

Jack steps in to figure things out and Liam lets out a grossed out whimper as he  shoves his finger towards Jack’s face. Jack replies, “Dat, dat’s a booger Neum”. Liam stops to look at it more closely.

Then Jack grabs Liam’s wrist and says, “Right, there” as he helps Liam wipe the booger on the front of his shirt.

I gag as the boys carry on down the hallway happy as two pigs in a pile.

Etch A Sketch What?!

I was cooking dinner and I overheard:

Etch A Sketch WPLiam (the one drawing): “See this Jackie?”

Jack (the one wearing no pants): “Yah.”

“This is you goin’ poop.”

“Yah, and I call Daddy.”

“And this is me doing cheers”, says Liam.

“Yah. Then mommy dumps it and I flush.”

“Yea. And this”, says Liam moving to a different area of the board, “Is a cow choking”.

“Moo!” shouts Jack and both kids laugh and start wrestling on the floor.

 

 

Posted by: Marisa | March 1, 2014

Butter-Face

Lets talk grocery carts for a second. See that bad boy down below? It’s your standard grocery cart that seats one child and you can find it everywhere. The problem is that I have two kids so this cart is worthless unless I’m okay with one kid playing smash the banana while sitting in the basket with my groceries.

Cart 2

I need a cart with two seats and four leg-holes, like this one, which at first glance looks just right.

Cart 3

Except this shopping cart has a red car stuck to the front…

Cart 4

…which makes it longer than I am tall and big enough to seat four kids – four. I don’t have four kids and I don’t want a cart big enough to hold that many. But those are my options so I pick this one, give the kids some snacks to fight over, and we’re off.

Cart 1
The more groceries I add to the basket the less I can see the back of their heads which is okay because the screaming and toddler limbs hanging out the sides of the car let me know they haven’t killed each other yet.

Most of the time when I’m tying my kids into place I use a five-point-harness because they can’t get out of it. These cars only have a lap belt which means that when the boys get really antsy they can play Harry Houdini on me and climb right out. When they get out life becomes awesome because pissed two year olds follow directions really well and chasing them through the aisles of the grocery store pushing this beast of a cart is just what I’d hoped for that day.

When I see the escape artists coming out to play I nervously check to see which of the remaining items on my list I can skip and which ones I absolutely must have in order to survive that week. Then, I try to buy a few more minutes by giving the boys some groceries to play with.

Ever since the Great Milk Incident of 2012 I’ve learned that it’s best to give them items they can’t bruise or destroy. Last week I gave Liam a bag of cheese and Jack a box of butter which did the trick and kept them really quiet.

As I was rolling the double-wide into the checkout lane the woman in front of us looked down at the boys and then immediately up at me. With an I’m trying not to smile smirk on her face she said, “Um, I’m not sure you want him…”

I put the stroller in reverse, sped out of the checkout lane, looked down at Jack and realized that he had ripped the box of butter open and …

Butter Bites…had gone to town.

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