Can we time out for a second to discuss the fact that my children seem to thrive on creating chaos in our lives by doing things that shock the people around us? Scaling their cribs at 18 months, hurdling baby gates ten seconds later, rearranging the furniture in their room every morning…you know, things that make our friends stop in their tracks to question how our kids thought to do such ridiculousness in the first place.
When the kids were just transitioning out of their cribs they’d wake up, tear the toddler proof door handle off the inside of their bedroom door, open said ‘child proof door’, scale the baby gate in the doorway, and come barreling into our bedrooms screaming like a few bats out of hell.
That was right around 5:15 am every day. And you can bet your bottom that I spent my days complaining about the injustice of our 5:15 am wake up call.
Then one day I woke up at 6:15, rolled over to the hubs, said, “The boys slept in!”, and began my internal gloating about the extra hour of amazingness. All of that internal partying apparently pissed off some nasty old karmic beast who, after seeing my smugness, laughed so hard that he tinkled his pants and set off to show me the err of my ways.
I heard the pitter patter of feet as Liam ran up to our bed and said, “Dad, look what we got for you!”
Knowing that it wasn’t going to be something I wanted to see, I said a few silent cuss words as I opened my eyes and saw that the boys had gone into the pantry and had opened every juice box we owned. And, in case you’re wondering, by the time the straws hit their little mouths there was very little juice left in those boxes.
Thinking it was a one-time deal we moved on with our lives.
Until the next morning when, again, Liam came running into our room. “Mom, come here! Come here! We made you something”.
More cuss words as I rolled out of bed and found that they had dumped a five pound bag of beans and the rest of my flax seed all over the kitchen and sun room.
The interesting thing about 5 pounds of beans is that they make a ridiculously loud noise when being sucked up into a brand new vacuum which, as it turns out, is quite therapeutic.
That afternoon we bought locks for the pantry and the fridge. Problem solved.
Until we accidentally left a box of cookies on the counter top, had the audacity to store a box of pasta in the second pantry (the one with a child proof door handle but no padlock), leave broccoli in our kitchen, and, God forbid, let pizza dough rise on the counter. When we were careless enough to do any of those things the boys would jump at the opportunity to snatch their loot and eat it at their discretion in any one of many random spots in our house.
The day I woke up and realized we’d forgotten to lock the freezer was the day I lost my shit for real though. Unfortunately for you, there aren’t any pictures of that doozie because I was so mad I couldn’t see straight enough capture any.
The boys had opened the freezer door and pulled out a frozen banana, a container of frozen coconut milk, a can filled with leftover bacon lard, a container of pureed red pepper, and an ice pack. By the time I caught them they were throwing the blocks of melting goo around the sun room having a gay old time. I Was Pissed.
There was a lot of yelling that day. By a lot I mean A LOT. And the boys spent so much time in time-out that I started to wonder about child restraint laws. Which I was fine with because it put an end to the food stealing phase. There was that one morning where I left my purse within reach and Jack found my lip stain, broke it open, and drew all over our white carpet but that’s not really food now is it?
Regardless, we’ve been on a food stealing lull and we’ve gotten a little lax about locking the pantry, fridge, and cabinets before we go to bed. And what happens when you take your eye off the ball?
You wake up to your kids elbow deep in marshmallow fluff…in their effing beds.
The Moral of the story: My kids are lunatics.