Posted by: Marisa | February 3, 2012

First Anniversary

Most people don’t find out they’re pregnant while they’re at work. Not sure why, but this has never occurred to me before.

I guess most people find out in their bathrooms with a urine covered stick in their hands but I gave up on peeing on sticks almost a year before I ever found out I was pregnant. In fact, it seems kind of ironic that I, the Stick Peeing Queen who bought pregnancy tests by the dozen, have never in my life seen a positive one.

One year ago today I found out I was pregnant while on the phone in the hallway of my office building with people walking by. Now that I think of it, that might have been a bit awkward for them. I know there was some shaking, some crying, and a lot of me asking over and over again if the IVF nurse was sure. She was.

There were a million people I wanted to tell but before I could do that I had to go back into my office, shut down my computer, and have a casual “I”m going to head out early” conversation with my office-mate. I walked in doing my best impersonation of someone who is calm, cool, and collected, sat at my desk, and within seconds burst into tears. I mean, my co-worker wasn’t exactly the first person I had planned on telling but the minute I started crying she assumed that another round had failed and she looked like she was seconds from a break down. I’m not even sure what I said or how I said it but she caught on pretty quickly that for the first time in a long time I wasn’t crying because I was sad. Another co-worker heard the commotion, came in, heard the news, and dropped her water on the floor because she had forgotten she was holding it.

Today’s the one year anniversary of finding out that I was pregnant and when I reminded those two women I was surprised at how many of the details they both remembered. They talked excitedly about how those moments played out and I was struck by the realization that for most women they walk into work, tell people they’re pregnant, and they all move on. It’s rare that your co-workers are there when you find out and in some ways it’s even more rare that the people around you are so emotionally invested in the news. I often think back to the look on my office-mates face when she thought the round failed. It said everything about how much she cared about me and my struggle. There was pain in her eyes because she cared…just like so many others.

Knowing now what I had no way of seeing back then, I wish I had let more people into my world of infertility. I wish I had shared more, been more vulnerable, been less afraid of being judged, and been more willing to accept help from others. I can see now how much the people around me wanted to be let in and even though I often kept them out, I can see how firmly they stood by me.

It’s interesting to me that on the one year anniversary of finding out I was pregnant it’s not the pregnancy itself that I think about the most. It’s the reactions I received from those around me that remind me of how truly lucky I am.



  1. Loved this post! Can’t wait to see you! J

  2. I remember too! What a wonderful day it was. xo

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