Posted by: Marisa | September 12, 2012

Product Review: Safety Locks and Annoying People

Dear Mr. “I Design Safety Locks For Kitchen Cabinets”,

We’re ten seconds into the Great Cabinet Lock-down of 2012 and so far this lock-a-majig seems to be keeping the children at bay.

Twelve seconds in and the lock is still holding up. At this point I’m feeling like there might be some lazy days of letting my kids wander around the kitchen unattended in my near future. I’m popping a bag of popcorn and getting ready to watch some trashy reality TV to celebrate my new found freedom.

See that right hand? My ten month old owns it and while he’s no rocket scientist he is getting pretty close to figuring out how to snap that bad boy off. But how would I know? Honey Boo Boo Child just came on TV and I’m busy watching her get her pageant dress on.

Great. While I’m off watching these rednecks my kids are snorting aspartame and gouging the back of their throats with a safety lock. Next up, the knife drawer.


So we moved on to the Fort Knox of cabinet locks. This bad boy even boasts a feature that turns from red to green when the lock is secure.

Please note, even in the picture taken while a cabinet was being protected, I’m red.



The problem? We cannot figure out how to unlock the damn thing. The release lever moves in a million different directions and we can’t figure out if we’re supposed to push it, slide it or pull it. Sometimes we push and it unlocks. Other times pushing does nothing. Sometimes we slide the lever and it unlocks. Other times sliding does nothing. Mostly I just spew hate at it which, of course, does nothing.

Last week my garbage pail liners were held hostage by this lock for almost 9 hours. Lets just say there were no Mom of the Year awards being passed out when the hubster came home to piles of garbage on the kitchen counter.

Since we are now boycotting the cabinet lock industry and trying to make due with the locks we’ve been dealt we’ve been keeping the locks tight enough that it looks to the boys like the cabinet is secure but loose enough that we can pull it over the cabinet hardware…you know, so it works just like the flimsy locks we used to have.

How’s that working for us, you ask?


Not so well.

And now, my first ever installment of Annoying People:

Apparently it’s the new cool to give a five star rating to a product even when you blatantly admit in the review that the product doesn’t work when used for it’s intended purpose. I found this review online for one of the offending locks and couldn’t help but roll my eyes because annoying people are so frustrating.

FIVE STARS – FIVE out of FIVE – Perfect score

“Ok so this isn’t the greatest cabinet lock. I originally purchased it for that and my child was able to pull it right off. they were never able to pinch the buttons and unlatch it. The lock is to flexible and can be wiggled off. Then I discovered it is great on my chain link fence. It fits through the hold designed for a padlock. This allows me to lock the gate keeping the kids in without needing a key for adults to get through. I find it tricky to get off the gate taking some decent coordination and my 9 year old can’t even get it. So while thats not what it was designed for it I find it perfect for that purpose.”

Great. Thank you. I’m sure your review will be incredibly helpful to all those home improvement people looking for a padlock at their local baby store.  In the meantime, your it-sucks-but-I-use-it-to-keep-fido-locked-up five star rating just inflated the overall rating for this terrible product significantly. Next time, how about a three star rating, max, if the product doesn’t meet the basic criteria of doing what the consumer is paying for  it to do? mmkay?



  1. Marisa – I think you should start writing comedy. You’re a natural!

  2. Aren’t they the rascals!!!! I hope you are saving all these stories and pics and one day make into a book entitled “Life with Twin Boys”. It would be a bestseller!

  3. […] when I first saw it so I guess we were just missing the bells. Climbing means that our once semi-baby proofed house is now a three dimensional looney bin. Last night the hubster caught L climbing to the top […]

  4. […] more likely to do a product review for something that makes me crazy like high chairs with wheels, safety locks that don’t work, or terribly designed baby food containers then I am for products that work the way they’re […]

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